I'm back

Well, it's been forever since I wrote here, but I've turned over a new leaf. I still feel kind of funny writing about things out here in cyber space. Here goes...

What's on my mind today? I go back to work in 2 weeks, the summer has flown by and I am so glad I got to spend some time with my wonderful three brothers and their families. While Hannah wasn't able to join us it still was fabulous to be with everyone else. We are all so different in so many ways, yet we all love each other unconditionally. For that I am thankful to my parents and extended family. It really is hard to get together when everyone is up and down the east coast, in school, working, or just trying to survice.

I've spent a good part of the summer in professional developments for my job, they have been good. I am a little nervous about moving to a new school, but I firmly believe change is good. August will bring all kinds of changes - Kelly off to college, Hannah in graduate school, my new school. Pray for us!

Something else I've spent time thinking about is focusing back on me, before you judge that comment think about this. For the past 21 years I have focused on being a mother and wife before anything else. Someone asked me not long ago, what do I like to do? I couldn't give an answer. Then I thought about my friends, and I thought, "Gosh, do I even have any?" of course I do, but I have not gone to any lengths to maintain friendships. Why are friends the first thing to go on the back burner? Not any more!

My next project is to get my OWN digital camera and begin posting my pics to this blog and my facebook (which I don't really do a lot with.

that's all for now. stay tuned for more info. Blessings to all who read this.

I just finished reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It's a great book about a women who decides to work for a year on becoming happier. She sets goals for each month and has truths. I am going to be happier. If I say it is so : )

So, it looks like I only get to post about once a month and I need to spell check!

I am in the purging phase. We (my family) have way more than we need. Too many clothes, too much stuff that isn't used. So it's going... Craigslist for the piano, yard sale (I know, Shawn - yuck) for some other stuff, Goodwill for some and homeless shelter for others. How do you accumulate so much stuff? And books... I know why we have all these books, but I'm not the kind of person that rereads many books, so away they go. We really are a society of consumption. My resolve is not to bring something in to the house unless something goes out, except for Hannah who just moved home for the summer : ). We need way less than we have. After many years, that seems very clear to me and I am good with that.

I spend a lot more time journaling in my Live, Love, Laugh journal than writing here, but then some stuff just doesn't need to go out into cyperspace...

Still no answers on the church thing, it bothers me. Should I just go there and not worry about it? No answers yet.

Bouncing around in topics today, 20 more days of school with the kids. Looking forward to the summer (after June 22 - last day of PD until Aug 1). Wonder what some of these kids do in the summertime. The ones with no one to take them to the zoo or the waterfront or the Science Museum, or Louisville Slugger, or the movies or the swimming pool... This also bothers me. This summer though Kelly and I are volunteering at the Center for Women and Families - a place for women and kids who are in crisis, leaving abusive relationships, etc. I'm excited.

I feel pretty good, like my time of mourning is over - not that I won't miss my mom every day and think about calling her daily, but I can say I'm not so sad.

a little time to reflect

Sitting on the couch at Blue Mountain Beach in FL. An unexpected trip to Fl at the invitation of my wonderful caring brother and sister in law. Walking on the beach, sitting on the beach, just reading a book, wow, how good does it get!! It's amazing what the sound of the ocean does for me! I have been given the rare (because after you get married and have kids) opportunity to stop and think about your life. When I look back at the last year and half, I am just now beginning to see what those close to me have been saying "that I'm not myself, that I don't laugh enough, yada yada"

Guess what? They are apparently right! When you are caught up in the middle of things it's hard to see what others do, until you actually take time. My question to anyone is - how do you take the time in the middle of busy lives? I mean, I sometimes think I'm stealing time away (I really ought to be cleaning the floor or the bathroom or running the vacuum or washing the dog or writing my lesson plans, you get the picture) At night, right before I go to bed, I have been trying to write, journal if you will, but I always feel like it leaves you so exposed.

Trying to find the right church is another bug a boo. Half of my family is totally immersed in a church. Hannah not so much and me I don't feel like I fit in. Don't really know why, been pondering that as well. Where does God want you to be? Not thequestion he probably wants to answer because anywhere you choose to be and worship and serve him is what I imagine he'ld say...

What I have learned through the past year and a half is that life goes on, those around you, while providing immense love and support continue on in their lives and really it all comes down to you as to how you cope. I look atr the kids at my school. Some who get there siblings up to go to school, some who eat only at school, soome whose parents fight oer them, many one parent households, or living with exended family or fosters and I think how can I share a little joy with them? Kids of today have so many more issues than we did, How did we as adults let this happen?

Enough of my meanderings of the brain. But, if anyone has any answers, let me know!

It's been along time since my last post and so much has happened. I almost became a widow, my husband had multiple pulmonary embolisms, but survived. Kids are in high school and college and I continued to drive up and down interstate to be with my mom as she faced her final days on earth. Thanksgiving and Christmas sent me to TN with my family together to be with my mom. Christmas was the best with every immediate family member there.Sad but happy to be together.
My mom died on February 15 at 2:24 p.m. She died at home with 3 of her 4 children with her. While incredibly sad to lose an anchor in my life, I initially celebrated that she had finally left her body that was no longer a useful vessel for her. I was actually joyful that she was no longer in pain, but reality soon set in and I realized I would no longer see her or talk to her again in this life. It's sad to be without your mom, or to realize tht your parents are no longer alive. I guess the good thing is that she is with my Dad. Kind of scary knowing/wondering what she sees of the life she has left. Does she see it all? Does she know all of my secrets now/ Or, is she too busy being happy? I hope that's the case,but am afraid the first is how it is.

Things are moving along in the library lady's life, getting ready to go back to school, send 2 kids to school and run back and forth on the interstate as often as possible

Right now i am dealing with the fact that my mom is terminally ill and I can't be with her every day because she lives out of state. We all know that people die, but it seems like you never think it's going to have to be you that is dealing with it. You find yourself talking about things you never considered. And of course, all of this takes place while living our lives and other people need things from you, too. Kids need stuff, work needs stuff and I wonder where I am going to get all of this energy to do it. And how do you stay happy?